January 24th, 2023
A biopsy reveals the ulcer on my tongue is a squamous carcinoma 

February 18th, I turned 73

March 22nd … Surgery …. again
the sixth one in a year and a half
“good” news, they got all the tumor
“bad” news, cancer was found in 2 lymph nodes in my neck
It’s not a fully enclosed cancer cell 
“it has like a little beak sticking out” says the surgeon
so it can spread… 
“aggressive” they say
my body contracts
at the harshness of the term
I choose to think that due to its nature,
this cancer can spread more easily
feels softer
my body relaxes
easier to be with myself

I want to keep my body, my being, as a peaceful place
a place free of “aggressive”, “fight”, “kill” 
to remember that cancer is a cell
neither good nor bad
not my enemy
just a cell

Chemo, radiation options…
Standard or experimental trials?
It’s all so overwhelming
the list of side effects is daunting
“Do I really want to do this to myself?”
Never a clear answer
always a back and forth dance
allowing parts to be heard
to be acknowledged
to be held
to be in choice
Amma to guide me

May 30, 2023
Start treatment at UCSF
6 weeks
30 radiation, 5 days a week
6 chemo, once a week

Breathe
breathe in deeply
exhale fully

Repeat